The Irony That Is Shakira

An interesting irony occurred to me today, and it goes something like this:

Shakira is a hot babe. In fact, her music and especially her videos are so sexually inticing that they serve almost as an instruction manual for how to attract men. Ironically, the more "into" Shakira you are, as a man, the more you look like a homosexual trying to learn how to get a man. Therefore, very few heterosexual men are actually fans of Shakira, even though we all think she's really hot.

I've put very little thought into this (obviously) but I've also managed to come up with a scale of Shakira involvement and how it relates one's sexuality to those who observe it:

Level 1: caught watching Shakira video on music channel, acts guilty = blatant heterosexual

Level 2: owns poster of scantily clad Shakira = probably heterosexual, depending on how it is displayed eg. weightroom, behind toilet, etc. vs. next to Duran Duran poster in bedroom

Level 3: owns Shakira video collection = borderline; either the guy has a total Shakira crush or he's studying her moves

Level 4: owns Shakira CD and listens to it by choice (without female prompting) = heterosexuality can be openly questioned at this point

Level 5: drives around in a Mazda Miata in an Izod teeshirt with hair slicked back and Shakira blaring from radio = gay, gay, gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)


Feel free to test my scale as the opportunity arises. I'm sure you'll find very little enthusiasm for Shakira among your hetero male friends, even as they admit to having uncontrollable carnal brain freeze just looking at her. She's kind of the twenty-first century equivalent of Olivia Newton John that way.

There's something genetic at work here, because straight men don't even have to be told that constant exposure to that level of girliness will sissify you somehow. The lizard brain just knows these things.